C a t e g o r i e s

Take a few minutes to laugh      

My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. -Joey Bishop

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. -Ronald Reagan

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. -Will Kommen

Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. -Cary Grant

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. -Robert Orben

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors. -David Brenner

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. -Dave Barry

I'm not going to vacuum til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior. -Rita Rudner

If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate. -Renee Duvall

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. -Wendy Liebman

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -Douglas Adams

I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon. -Don Reber

I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves


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Posted on: 2009-03-07
Last Modified on: 2009-03-07
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